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User : The More Proactive Gibbon Masher - Get the hell off our internet

On Saturday September 16th, 10:47pm
The More Proactive Gibbon Masher wrote :
I hate myself for being an idiot.

[Friend] - I drove our Audi into a garbage truck, destroying the Audi and the truck. I forgot to renew the insurance last month, so that means my husband and I are personally on the hook for over $370,000 in damages. We're going to lose our house.

[Me] - You're pregnant!!?! That's wonderful news!

[Friend] - The half of the garbage truck that wasn't destroyed by the collision skidded into an animal shelter, killing all of the orphaned pets that were scheduled to be adopted by an eccentric billionaire tomorrow. They would have led carefree lives of infinite pleasure on his 280 acre ranch.

[Me] - This is wonderful news! I wonder if it's a boy or a girl!!! I'm so excited!

[Friend] - I was a little drunk at the time, so I may be facing charges of criminal negligence causing death. The right side of my body is permanently paralysed because I wasn't wearing a seat belt.

[Me] - OH. MY. GOD. Have you picked out a name? Can I be the godfather?

Get the hell off our internet.

On Friday September 15th, 10:39am
The More Proactive Gibbon Masher wrote :
It just doesn't work.

Get the hell off our internet.

On Thursday September 14th, 10:06pm
Betty, the Promoter of Free Scripture Readings in Your Area wrote :
Head Bat

Apparently, this aptly-named wrestling move is big in Asia.

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On Thursday September 14th, 7:59pm
The More Proactive Gibbon Masher wrote :
The Ukrainians Know...

The Ukrainians apparently know what God looks like - this painting found in a Kiev church proves it.

When you leave your mortal body, I didn't know it meant you got turned into a creepy flying head-bat. And that weird custom-fitted pyramid hat... well, let's just hope the fashion police go to hell because things could get a bit akward...

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On Wednesday September 13th, 10:58pm
The More Proactive Gibbon Masher wrote :
Thanks to you, we can never go back.

As we were walking away from Sarpino's, the cashier looked at me coldly in the eye and said "Make sure you come back tomorrow!" I nodded and ran for my life.

If I don't get expectorate on my next slice, I'll be very surprised.

Get the hell off our internet.